Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
