two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
