My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
