We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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