the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
