So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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