When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
