Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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