Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
