drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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