The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
