You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
They are going to name an STD after you.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
