I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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