Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
