i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
