Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
