Four minutes until I can fart!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
