my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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