1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
