i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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