i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
