Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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