Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
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