The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
