He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize