They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
