How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
