a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize