dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
