I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
