if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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