i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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