I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
