and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
