awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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