Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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