Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
