just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
