i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
