I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you never un-have a 4some
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
