I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
