Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
