He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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