I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
