I cockslap morals
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
