Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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