the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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