Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
