When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize