Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
