My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize