OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
