The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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