I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
