Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your penis caused this!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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