Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
