We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
