booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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