I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
