Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
