She's JV to your varsity
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
