i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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