Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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