I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
4 words: hood of his car
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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